The Differences

I've been finding it hard to get motivated to do much more than the essentials for the last two weeks or so. So in accord with Buddhist thought, rather than forcing things and metaphorically banging my head against a wall, I decided to let go and observe the process of my own mind's working to see if I could figure out what was happening. It turned out to be a sort of pre-holiday mental housecleaning, and seems to have passed. I feel a lot less cluttered now, in spite of still having a lot of holiday stuff to do, and maybe that was the purpose. Now I'm ready to move on.


This train of thought led me to consider how Buddhism has changed me over the past year or so. I've already talked about some of those differences, but there have been some surprises along the way as well. Please bear with a little self-indulgence here; I still have enough ego to need it on occasion.


I'm more observant now. It's a lot easier to see what's going on when you're not as preoccupied with your own thoughts. I'm working on really listening to people, well enough to hear through the clutter of words to the actual meanings they're trying to convey (which don't always correspond much with the words they've chosen), as well as underlying information that they may not realize they're giving you.


My energy level is better. The main reason for this is that I'm not tying up my energy maintaining my anger any more. The simple understanding that anger is a choice (once you get past the initial emotional reaction) was all that I needed. It sounds so simple, but each person has to assimilate life's lessons in their own way, and Buddhism was the way that worked for me in this case. I used to believe that you needed to vent to release anger, lest it tear you apart inside, but it turns out that venting becomes self-perpetuating after a while. It took quite a while for that one to sink in in my case.


I don't resent the things I have to do to maintain my life the way I used to. I used to feel as though anything that took me away from creativity was a side track, rather than my creativity being something I did in my spare time. Yes, I know that's backwards, but I have to be honest that that's the way I felt about it. I used to define myself by my creativity, but I don't need that to prop up my ego anymore. The cool thing about that is that I can just enjoy my creative work for what it is without feeling so much is at stake.


I'm more kind to the people I have incidental contact with. I'm referring to the waiters, store clerks, etc. of the world. I don't think I was ever that bad in dealing with them, but I'll admit that I'd often think about them more in terms of function than in terms of them being human beings, for the most part. I think most people are guilty of that to some degree, which is why those jobs usually aren't much fun.


I don't swear as much as I used to. I generally reserve it now for that initial burst of anger that I'll feel on occasion, then I let it go, which means that I don't need to continue to use the harsh language. It used to be more important to me at times to express myself than to take into account that people had to listen to it.


My job is easier. I'd expected that to come along with better anger management (which was my main goal when I started reading Buddhist material), but the surprise to me was how much easier people are to deal with if you begin dealing with them by showing a fundamental human interest in their well being beyond the matter at hand. There are people who can fake that well enough to fool an awful lot of people, but I'm not one of them. I had to genuinely feel it, or it came off badly, which required a serious change of mind set on my part. My problem had been that I was frequently overwhelmed by the impossible time constraints of my job, and was trying to deal with people so quickly that they had the feeling that I didn't care about them. It wasn't that I didn't care about them; it was that I didn't have the time to spend on them, but the message they were receiving was that I wanted to be rid of them as soon as possible, and they didn't appreciate that. When I started taking more time with them up front, I found that I had fewer difficult situations and saved much more time in later conversations.


I have very little interest in alcohol now, which was a big surprise. I was quite a drinker in my early 20's, and even in more recent years it wasn't unusual for me to respond to a tough working day by going home and having a drink. I can still enjoy alcoholic drinks for taste, but I have no desire to get even slightly drunk anymore. When I'd first read that alcohol was considered a Bad Thing in Buddhist thought because of the impact it has on clear thinking, I'd thought I'd never be able to give it up, and now I've largely lost interest as a natural result of meditating. I'm enjoying my clarity of thought and don't want to give that up.


My default setting now is to be happy, unless I have reason to be otherwise. Like the anger issue, I realized that happiness is an available choice, and why wouldn't I choose it if I can? That's a real revolution for me, after years of battling depression. I doubt that most people will understand the full impact of that unless they've known me through those depressions.


I find that I'm less patient when people get angry than I used to be, which is hilarious, if you think about it. I used to be more willing to accept anger in others when I believed it was inevitable under the circumstances. Now, I have to consciously remind myself that, while that person is effectively choosing to stay angry after the initial event, it wasn't that long ago that I'd be doing exactly the same thing, and that I need to be helpful to that person if I can.


I don't think I've changed this much in a single year in a very long time, and I'm glad it seems to be for the better. The trick now is to make sure the lessons stick, apply them more consistently and continue to build on them. If you've bothered to read this far, thanks for reading, and I hope you got something out of it.