Wedding Anniversary

Another part of the reason for the New York trip was in celebration of our wedding anniversary. It's actually very appropriate that my sister-in-law was with us on the trip, since she was also with us on our first date (long story, and a good one). Unsurprisingly, after we returned we ended up discussing the reasons why our marriage has lasted over 20 years, and I thought it might be worth putting those reasons out here for anyone to read.

Shared Values - We both took a fairly serious approach to dating, and discussed all of the Big Issues before either one of us was willing to get too invested in a relationship. I'd been badly burned in a prior relationship when my live-in girlfriend turned out to be wildly irresponsible, and it was just my wife's nature to be cautious with her heart. Not the most romantic approach in the world, but it kept us from getting deeply involved only to find out that there was something about the other that we simply couldn't live with. Knowing that we were on the same page regarding Big Issues allowed us to be flexible about the smaller issues and to know the difference between Big Issues and small ones. So what is a Big Issue? That needs to be defined by the individuals involved.

Shared Sense of Humor - Humor is more than just how well you can make jokes at parties; it's a tool to help people get through the rough spots in life. Used correctly (that is, without attacking each other with it), it can help you handle differences between the two of you when you disagree, and to cope when life deals you an especially rough hand, as will inevitably happen if you stay together long enough. And I'd say that if you don't understand another person's sense of humor, you probably don't truly understand that person well enough to be married to them.

Flexibility - People will change over time, and that includes you and your partner. My wife and I have each probably been three or four different people during the course of our marriage, depending on how you want to define those changes, and each of us had to make adjustments when the other changed. My relatively recent interest in Buddhism would be an example of the type of change I'm talking about. If my wife had been unable to accept that, I'd have to have chosen whether to stay on that spiritual path or stay married. Fortunately, after asking some questions, she was able to deal with my changes, and we continue on. Some couples will run into Big Issue changes that really can't be resolved and may have to break up, and for some couples what is actually a small issue (or small issues, plural) becomes a Big Issue for one reason or another. Sometimes people simply tire of each other and look for reasons to end a relationship, whether they consciously realize it or not.

Flexibility also means letting the small issues go. My wife and I had difficulties early in our marriage because I was (and still am) a much more social creature than she is. When the weekend came, I wanted us to go out with friends and she wanted to stay home. I didn't want to go out without her, and she didn't want anyone else coming to our house. We ultimately agreed that I could go out without her if I really wanted to go somewhere and that I wouldn't argue with her about choosing to stay home. I eventually became more comfortable with the idea of staying home sometimes on weekends. She occasionally agrees to go somewhere, though it remains a real rarity. My friends still think this is a little strange, and there's a running joke that I'm not actually married and just have an actress that I occasionally hire to play my wife in situations where I need one, but it works for us and that's all that matters.

Every couple has things they have to work out, and what those things are will vary with the couple. I suppose my advice here boils down to knowing the difference between the Big Issues and the small stuff, and learning to constructively negotiate the small stuff. And remember that most things qualify as small stuff.